I'm alive because I love

I’m Alive Because I Love

On Valentine’s Day 1969, my mother had a craving for a hot fudge sundae so my dad drove her to the Dairy Queen downtown.

Early the next morning, I was born.

My body, I am told, was bright red except for a patch of pale white skin over my right eye. My skin tone evened out, but my right eyebrow and a patch of hair at my right temple, grew in white.

I’ve been having birthdays ever since, once a year, like clockwork.

I Am

As I have grown, changed, evolved, and learned throughout my life; as I have taken on and shed identities; moved to different places on the map; considered, accepted, and rejected ideas, there are some things that have always been true about me and remain true.

My favorite color, for instance, has always been my favorite color.

I often think about the time my mother and grandmother redecorated my bedroom.

I picked this pink carpeting that just looked absolutely delicious to me.

I remember them asking me to think about it. Hot pink carpet might feel a little much over time. Was I sure I didn’t want something a little more subdued?

Nope. I wanted the pink. I was lucky to have a mother and grandmother who listened to what I wanted and then created it for me. The room turned out fantastic. My grandmother even sewed pink and white throw pillows for my bed with my name embroidered in hot pink thread.

I never grew tired of the color scheme.

I Know Who I Am

We know ourselves when we are young and then life happens to us.

We take in an enormous amount of information and we internalize external stories about who we are and what life is, who we should be, what we should want, how we should live. As a result, some of us become disengaged from what we what we know about ourselves, and it takes a while to get ourselves back in alignment with the truth of who we are.

I used to feel a sort of panic when my birthday rolled around.

To be clear, I’ve always loved celebrating my birthday, but there have been years when it also sparked in me a sort of desperation. Because another year had gone by, I was another year older, and still felt lost - adrift - like a failure.

I didn’t feel that panic this year.

I no longer mind getting older because it means I am still alive and I love being alive. Even in these times.

I don’t mind getting older because I know who I am. And I know because of love. I know what I love and what I desire. I know what’s for me and what isn’t.

It’s true that people stop looking at you after you reach a certain age. The middle aged invisibility thing - that’s a real thing. But I don’t mind. I’m visible to myself and to the people I love and the people who love me.

And yes, looking older is a trip. But it is what it is.

I Am Still She

I mentioned recently that I consult with my teenaged self when making decisions, particularly decisions about what to wear or what movie to watch or which book to read.

I’ve been culling my book collection in preparation for my studio re-do. I’m keeping the books that are significant to me in some way, that changed me. Looking at my to-keep stack, I can’t help but notice how many of them I purchased at the paperback exchange when I was in high school.

Andie and Iona are still my ultimate fashion icons* and I still want Susan’s jacket.

I don’t have any tattoos - mostly because I try to avoid pain, but also because I’ve always thought I change my mind too often to commit to something being on my body for the rest of my life. Recently, however, I was thinking about this and I realized that if my teenaged self had chosen one, I would have a Ziggy Stardust tattoo right now and I would be okay with that.

My point is certainly NOT that I haven’t changed since I was a teenager. My point is that there are aspects of me - indicated through my taste, my inclinations, and my desires - that have always been and always will be. The essential me-ness doesn’t change, even as I move through great change.

Many times during my youth - when I had more elasticity in my skin but less confidence- I molded myself, hid myself, kept myself small, tried to escape judgement, swallowed back on things that I should have fought, put up with things that I should have rejected, valued the opinions of others over my own.

But when I look at pictures of myself when I was in my twenties, I don’t see the unloveable creature I thought I was at the time. I see someone worth knowing, worth listening to. So, I listen to her now.

Because she is still very much me, and I am still alive, and I plan on remaining alive for quite some time.

And with my remaining time on this earth, I plan to love and create and always, as myself.

She is Still Me

Of course, I hope the things I paint and write have an audience. I want someone to love them, but even if no one loves them, I will continue to create them because they are mine to paint and create.

My intention, always, is to be true to my voice.

The purpose of my life is not to please others, be a palatable version of myself, or correct myself into anyone else’s idea of who or what I should be. The purpose of my life is to embrace being alive and to love what I love. To be that love and be a vessel for love.

It took me a while to get here, to figure that out, but I’m here.

I know who I am because I know what I love.

Love is the arrow on the map that points you me the direction of my most honest self.

As I’ve been circling the sun all these years, I’ve learned some things.

For instance, if something is not a one hundred percent yes, that means it’s a no. There are nuances and grey areas and complicated situations, for sure, but at the end of the day, a yes feels like a yes in my body, and I don’t need to examine why a no is a no. If it’s a no, it just is.

If something, anything, is too tight, too restrictive, too irritating, etc., it’s best to let it go and keep walking. When something doesn’t fit, it’s not a reflection of my worth. It doesn’t mean there’s something about me that needs to change. That thing is just not the right thing for me.

Similarly, if I feel like I can’t be myself, I’m outta there. Wherever there is.

Most importantly, ignoring my intuition never works out. It is balanced by reason, of course, but intuition is queen. It never lies.

Love Loves Me

For my birthday this year, Tracy and I dropped Rocky off at his auntie’s house and headed to Josephine Sculpture Park for an art walk.

More often then not, we have an ice or snow storm on my birthday but this year, it was oddly warm. We sat surrounded by nature and art and drank from a pink canteen of coffee. And it was heavenly. It was perfection. it was love.

We came home and watched Slaves of New York.

Somewhere in there is a lesson about allowing yourself to be who you are and love what you love - because what you love is speaking to you. It’s telling you a story about your life and your essence and your gifts.

It’s telling you a story about pleasure.

And it’s good to seek joy and embrace pleasure. Because within that joy and pleasure you learn about who you are and why you are here.

The more you allow yourself to love, the more you surround yourself with what you love, the more loving you will become, the more empathy and compassion you will have for the world.

It’s not true for me that trauma and strife make me stronger or better. It’s gentleness that does that. It’s kindness. It’s joy.

It’s not the people who dole out “tough love” or “constructive criticism” or “just tell it like it is,” who strengthen me. It’s the people who forgive me instantly and love me unconditionally who do that.

The things that didn’t kill me didn’t make me stronger.

It’s never been adversity that’s shown me who I am. It’s love that has shown me.

This life is not easy. No one gets off the planet unscathed by suffering or grief, but we are not here in these bodies on this planet just to toil and labor and experience pain, we are to enjoy being alive, to have fun, to do things that feel good.

You can’t always get what you want.

But you can always love and you can find yourself in love.

Because love is what it means to be alive.

*I praise Marilyn Vance as a genius for creating Andie’s look, but I agree with my beloved Molly Ringwald about that prom dress.

**I watch Pretty in Pink every year around this time. This year, it led me to look around on Etsy and see what sort of fan merch was out there, which led me to wonder how weird it would be for a woman of my age to have a heart-shaped sticker on my laptop that says I just want them to know they didn’t break me, and I decided it wouldn’t be weird AT ALL!