process over product

When I say that I value process over product, I’m not saying that I don’t care what the paintings look like or that the final result isn’t important.

Obviously, art is meant to be looked upon and I do have an investment in what my paintings look like.

What I mean, when I say process over product is that the act of making art is, for me, a spiritual and energetic endeavor.

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becoming

I used to think the spiritual path - the path of self-help and wisdom teachings and mystical fairs, the path of sitting across the table from a tarot reader or praying with a priest - was the path of self-discovery.

I used to think the quest that burned in the center of my heart was the quest of finding myself.

If I could discover who I was, if someone could see me and tell my purpose to me, then I could thrive.

If I knew the dimensions of my light, then I could shine it.

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the high priestess

I moved to New York in the autumn of 1992, when I was 23.

I understood about myself that whatever it was I ended up doing with my life, it would be something creative, and New York seemed like a good place to be a creative.

Although I can’t say that I moved to the city with a plan for being a working artist, when I closed my eyes and envisioned my new life, I saw myself living in a loft apartment making paintings or developing performance art pieces.

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anxiety and distancing

My neice and I joke that my car has anxiety.

It has a warning light and an alarm that sounds every time I start it, but there’s not actually anything wrong. I mean, I don’t know, there might be something wrong, but I’ve been driving with that warning light and alarm bell for about a year now.

Chronic free-floating anxiety is like that.

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the first conversation

I recently drove past a church on my way to a lacrosse game. The big sign out front said, Worry Less, Pray More.

My first thought was, I’m so grateful I don’t go to a church that has one of those signs. My next thought was, I’m actually okay with that theology. (I’m typically not okay with the theology espoused on this particular sign.)

I suppose if you think of God as a man in the sky who grants wishes, the idea of prayer sounds pretty silly, like surrendering your worries to the tooth fairy.

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